Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
