I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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