and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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