My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
