I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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