my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
