remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
