My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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