I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
