i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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