Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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