Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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