It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
