Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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