So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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