its not stalking. its research.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
