We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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