So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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