I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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