Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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