i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
