obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
