Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
me + whiskey = a bad person
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
