I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
