New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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