I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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