Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
