rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
