nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
