you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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