Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
