My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
