I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
