walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
