I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
