you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
