It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
