I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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