Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
