dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
