I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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