Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So here I am, sexting at work.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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