So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
