It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
