this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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