i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
