I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This is my gift to your gina
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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