why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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