I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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