you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
